Be a hero for yourself : Me & The Slow Life

Whoa, it's April already. I wasn't write anything for four months? But here I am, hello! 

Here it is, another essay from me about what happened lately and it's pretty knowledgeable for me. Enjoy! (Oh and also enjoy some of my writing pieces in Inspirasi Pagi and Infotografi, it's on the "featured on" tab!)

slow but sure... wins the race. That's why I always buy The Rabbit and The Turtle race bed time story. 

People from my school days and university days always know me as a girl with a monthly planner and super duper noisy playlist on my MP3 player (Spotify was available in Indonesia back in 2016, which was my last year in university), starts from alternative rock until electronic pop dance music. People say I walked fast, I eat fast, I do my work fast, I like people help me do things fast, and I even liked fast food. I have bucket list, monthly goals, and even planned my future really carefully. 

I was too focus about the "destination", and I realized that I wasn't enjoying what's good from the "journey". I was neglecting my own happiness, my own wellbeing, I mean, me. I was too focus about what I'm about and was achieved in order to make people around me think that I have succeeded.

I feel like this life rythm was pretty exhausting. I was too focus about the "destination", and I realized that I wasn't enjoying what's good from the "journey". I was neglecting my own happiness, my own wellbeing, I mean, me. I was too focus about what I'm about and was achieved in order to make people around me think that I have succeeded. As a result, I keep beating myself. I hated my face because it is like an "acne farm" (this is exaggerating but I used to call my face like that), I don't have time for exercising, and this was lead to an abundant of health problems : started from simply easily running out of breath although it's merely walking around campus, Bacterial gastroenteritis, endless migraine, a very suffering cramp during my period, I was anxious a lot, and ocassionally fainted. I let my hair long and long because I can hide behind it, not because it symbolized freedom. I hide behind it, seriously. I hide behind my pink lipstick and my super cool outfit that I learned from these tumblr girls trend although I pretty much didn't enjoy it. Side note : the grunge girl with rock music was not me, I didn't enjoy it. Being emo and sad everytime wasn't me, being weak and emo when I got my broken heart back in 2015 was just... something that I enjoyed. Then, I tried to learn about Yoga during my last university year and trying to be more confident in t-shirt and jeans (which is more comfortable than anything. Especially when it comes to some classes that didn't require you to wear shoes a.k.a lab classes where I can wear my sandals hehe), and I found this.... pretty exciting. 

When I graduated, I'm still doing yoga and more into t-shirt and jeans. I also started to enjoying music that's been good for me : k-pop, some ballads, jazz, chillwave, experimental R&B, and of course and forever, EDM (MADEON!). My first job wasn't stressful and so fun and I learned a lot (and thank you, Oost!). But still, although I learned about how I synch my soul and my physical body and respecting my own body (I also started to do facial treatment), it wasn't change anything about my life rythm. I'm still goal-oriented as f and tried so hard to get something that I TRULLY WANT (I won't telling you what is it but when I'm ready, I'm going to tell you what it is). I wanted a more stable job, I wanted my #1 goal to happen in 2016 or 2017, I wanted to go to South Korea sooner... ah, too many goals and I end up wasting my 2016 by chasing and focus on what I should achieve.

In 2017, this was the peak. I was jobless and still too focused on my #1 goal. I still had this life rythm and started to have this "demon" that stayed on my back. I was depressed. I failed to reach my #1 goal, jobless, and penniless. Although I had a good experience to speak what I knew in a national lexicography conference held by Ministry of Education and Culture on August, after that, my life was pretty much ruined. I still have this "demon". This demon won't go, in fact, it was come and go. I can't cry, I laughed but I feel like I wasn't happy, I laughed to hide. I didn't want to see my friends, even my best friends. I often left my phones in silent mode, I didn't want to read again, I didn't want to immerse into photography again, I didn't want to take any pictures or videos, I just don't want to do things. All I did was sleeping until I hit 16 hours of sleeping. 

I kept telling myself that life is not about achieving, but learning. Of course, learning means patiently learn things and accepting that actually we don't know a lot of things about how this universe works. By learning, we can start loosened our grip and try to enjoy life and accept things.

In September 2017, I slowly recovered by working in the biggest book sale for three weeks. Although it requires speed and pretty strict rules, I was having a good time. I met a lot of new faces, new perspectives, and pretty much creative in order to break the rules hahaha. However, after three weeks passed, my demon was coming back. I was confused and this depression was clinging into my skin again. By November, I met new faces again by working in a K-pop stall bazaar. Although these people were older than me, surrounded by them made me feel positive again. I was having a good time and started to do exercise again. I started to listen to Madeon again and I admit, I was feel alive again. On December 2017, I'm okay. Although I'm having rough times to settle down in my new job, I'm okay. 

I recovered slowly until today. Although it's hard to settle down in my job, I had to accept things slowly. I left HIIT exercise since I had severe back pain (and I merely chasing my goal to have toned legs and abs HAHA) and started doing yoga again for becoming healthier. I started crochetted again, I started read books again, I write again, I take a lot of pretty pictures again, I write my journals again. I planned to loosened my grip this year by enjoying my freelance jobs (I took two jobs hehehe) and resuming my journey to achieve my #1 goal later. I started to enjoy my precious time to be alone and contemplating things, I walked a lot and enjoying the sun, I didn't force myself to reach my goals. I learned a lot. I start cherish myself, listened more to my body and soul. I had some skincare rituals (thank you, Zendaya!), started eating healthy, I often go out without makeup and just wearing t-shirt, jeans, and a pair of sandals, did anything slowly but sure. I kept telling myself that life is not about achieving, but learning. Of course, learning means patiently learn things and accepting that actually we don't know a lot of things about how this universe works. By learning, we can start loosened our grip and try to enjoy life and accept things. Every morning, be grateful that you're still here, listened to your own breath. Be grateful that you're still here, listening to the rainfalls or even the warmth of the sun, how peaceful the moon and stars... be grateful. 

By waiting and patience, I believe that someday you will have thing that you really want soon. Believe me, it will be all worth-it. It's called "delayed gratification". I found this video of cutie Tom Hiddleston and cutie Cookie Monster few days ago here and ah... it's a self-reflection, I guess :D

well, who knows you can contemplating about your life from Sesame Street character? 

the blonde streaks! which... accidentally twinning Sebastian Stan hehe. pic by nabilahprd

And with this whole new confidence and perspective, I decided to try something new. I dared myself to cut my hair short and dyed it with lighter colour. I went to a pretty cheap salon in the neighborhood and did it. Although it's kind of bit scary to think about the bleach, I finally give my hair some highlights (and I have no idea that it almost looks like Sebastian Stan's hair in here! and yes, I'm so into him). Although chemical may harm my hair, but don't worry, I know how to give my hair some love. I admit this is the most ballsy makeover that I ever did but I... like it. By learning, instead of achieving, I feel like I'm more believe in myself. I feel prettier than ever, I feel stronger (and weak at the same time, I'm a human!) than ever. Although I never let people ruined my life and that means I don't want to hear whatever people say about my new look, but my friends even showered me with some loves about my new look. I'm loved and worth-it *hugs myself*. 

love love from me and my wrinkle white shirt ❤ pic by nabilahprd

Although this post is about becoming a hero for myself, this whole journey won't be succeded without help from my beautiful people (remember, you can seek help from others ❤). So, thank you, everyone that has believe in me and helps this little Aya to believe in herself. Enjoy your life, accept things although it's not pretty, and take things slowly - don't be in a hurry! ❤


Love love,
-Aya

P.S: I've created a Spotify playlist to pumped up everyday and a friendly reminder that you're a hero and a friend for yourself named POWER PLAYLIST! It's pretty worked for me to be happy and give a little magic for myself to finish my work like a boss. It consists of happy k-pop tunes, badass tunes like Beyonce, k-hiphop tunes, Kesha's "Woman" that keeps me happy, Britney Spears, Spice Girls' "Wannabe", until JKT48! It's mostly by girls but it's for anyone that needs some sweets and caffeine kicks everyday. Enjoy and let me know what you think! ❤